On Asking for Money Without Shame

Again, on the topic of not apologizing, but asking for money with confidence and grace...

Earlier this fall, I received an email solicitation from someone I really like for an art project that was interesting to me. But the "ask" was so disturbing that I got stuck and just couldn't, and didn't, respond with a gift (even though I kind of wanted to). And now I see the person regularly (we both pick up our children at the same elementary school), and I feel weird.

Why the confession? Because even an experienced fundraiser like me (and even someone who enjoys working with people to make the uncomfortable thing of raising money more comfortable) can get "asked wrong."

I've been avoiding writing about this, but I keep rolling it over in my mind. So to give me some peace, let's take the experience as a lesson in fundraising.

Background note: The project director had asked me to meet informally with her six months before to help her brainstorm around fundraising. We did (because we are both involved in local progressive art projects and because she's a neighbor and, well you do that sort of thing with parents at your kid's school). We talked mostly about a strategy for major gifts. So I had known about the project early on and had offered, pro bono, to help even a little more. That was the last I had heard of it, until the troubling email.

• When I saw the email in my inbox, I was happy because I liked her project idea and was interested to learn how it had turned out. And I (selfishly) hoped that there might be an invitation to meet some of the famous artists involved.

• The introductory paragraph ends in "And to make all this happen, we need-you guessed it--money. Perhaps even your money."
The fundraiser in me got a sinking feeling.

• It goes on: "So we're hitting up friends for financial support."
Holy smokes (sorry, I'm from Kansas City, and we talk that way). Promise me, novice fundraisers, no more violent language. We're inviting people (aka donors) to join us in work that has meaning.

• And then: "No one likes asking for money. But what can we say? ...Consequently, we're bothering you. Forgive the intrusion..."
The person seemed so embarassed to ask for the money. I was afraid she'd be embarassed to receive it. And then I would be embarassed. Is she embarassed because it turns out to be a dumb and meaningless project? Hmmmmm, probably not. But if she truly believes the project is cool and meaningful, then why isn't she pleased and proud to let me know about it? And to invite me to join in and help make this cool project happen? Why does she think I wouldn't want to be involved?? What does she know that I don't? Oh, no, now I'm suspicious. I'm feeling puzzled. Layer on top of that my personal Identity as a Fundraising Strategy Consultant and Friendly Trainer. How on earth could I comfortably, ethically contribute, based on this solicitation?

• Then: "If you're not convinced that public art deserves your individual financial support but would like to come anyway, you're still welcome to attend. If you have a good time, maybe then you'll help us out."
Yikes. If I don't give, I'm supposed to feel guilty.

• And more: "And if you'd rather send us a check than pay for a babysitter and listen to art talk while sipping affordable wine, we won't be offended."
But I like to get away from my (much-loved) children and make art talk while sipping affordable wine. I do, I do! Maybe there's something wrong with me. Am I a dork??

• And finally: The address for contributions is listed below. All donations are tax-deductible. Think of the write-off! Your accountant will thank you.
Aha. It's a joke. She's being funny. Breathe. Except that I suspect the project does really need the money. Is she joking because she's embarassed? Oh, no, I'm starting to get embarassed again.

• By the way, it would have been nice to have received a personal update on the fundraising, maybe a special invitation to the event in appreciation of my volunteer'd advice, or maybe a personal email on top of the solicitation saying "thanks again for your advice early on, hope you can help with a contribution." I'm not proud of it, but even professional fundraising advisors like some personal attention.

So buried in my awkward feelings and the conflicting messages, I got stuck. Didn't go to the party. Didn't make even a modest gift. She probably thinks I hate her!!! Oh, my goodness, this is too stressful. If these feelings can happen to me, they can happen to your prospects.

PLEASE (and here's the lesson), don't do this to your potential donors. Welcome them. Invite them to join you. Maybe they want to. Let them know it would be ok if they said yes.